Anyone that knows me, knows that the topic of children is dear to my heart. My life changed completely when Noah came into this world.
Now I don’t know if I’m a poster child for being a great dad, I’ve only got the one little guy…but I’m not gonna lie, he’s a pretty amazing kid.
I’m always learning new ways to be a better dad though, and thought I’d share a few things that I feel are important when it comes to parenting.
Presence
When I’m with my son I make a conscious effort to be there with him and not get distracted by other things.
I don’t check my social media, my phone goes away and everything else comes secondary when I’m with Noah.
He gets my absolute and undivided attention – I believe the greatest gift we can give our kids is presence. Because the reality is, who knows what tomorrow will bring.
My son is four, but it feels like it was just yesterday that he was born. Time really does fly when you’re having fun, so I’m very conscious of the fact that it won’t be long until he’s off doing other stuff.
I think about this every day, I literally think, I don’t know how much time I’m going to have with him and that could be in relation to something happening to me, or something happening to him…there are so many unforeseen circumstances that could arise that no one can predict with any level of accuracy.
I am always reminding myself that if I’m with him today, I might not be tomorrow, and that on some level might sound morbid but when you have died nearly seven or eight times, you have a different perspective on life, and mortality, but more importantly the things that matter to you.
I’m very grateful for this perspective because every day that I’m with Noah, I literally look at him in awe and I wander in his beauty, and I’m just very grateful.
Calm and assertive leadership
Secondly, when I give Noah corrections or directions, I do it calmly and assertively.
I always do my best not to get angry (not that I have never gotten angry, I have). But I like to place a high emphasis on using tone.
So, instead of saying, “No, no, no don’t do that,” in a flimsy way.
I very sternly say, “Noah, no”.
It’s not getting angry but it’s using a deeper level of tone because that signals a part of the brain that makes them pay attention. That’s why police officers are trained to talk in a lower octave – so people pay attention and take them more seriously when it comes to listening and following direction.
Children require a level of calm assertive leadership. And the reason I’m referring to leadership when it comes to corrections is because when kids are kids, they don’t know what’s good, they don’t know what’s bad – they look to us to determine the things that they should be doing and the things that they shouldn’t be doing.
The challenge however is that a lot of them want to do the things that they shouldn’t be doing because that provokes the biggest response from their parents.
So, it’s our responsibility as parents to be conscious of how we respond to things, as well as being conscious of the attention we put on things.
Because I know for me, the more attention I pay and the more corrections I give Noah about hitting, the more he wants to hit. Whereas if I make the corrections fewer and further in-between, but stronger using tone, and focus on the behaviours that I do want to see in him, you know, he typically hits people and me, less and less.
Regulating emotions consciously
And lastly, we owe it to our kids to learn how to regulate emotionally.
We owe it to our kids to regulate in a very conscious and deliberate way, not only the emotions that come up for us but also the stress that we experience, because kids are incredibly instinctive and intuitive and I’m convinced that they have this ability to pick up on our energy regardless of the words that we are saying.
So, we might be saying all the right things, but if we’re internally wrapped up in some level of anxiety or stress or there’s some emotional flux going on that’s being stimulated by something external to us, then they are going to pick up on that, and it’s going to affect them.
So there you have it, three tips for more deliberate and intentional parenting. I hope that was helpful. While you’re here, flick me a message in the comments below – I’d love to know what parenting techniques you use that have made a difference in your child’s life?
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Great tips Kerwin, I’ll be adopting those for sure.
I’ve found the thing that’s made the biggest difference in our family (We have a 2.5 year old), is explaining everything to him in advance of it happening as well as general life commentary.
I never do anything to him without first a. asking him or b. telling him. eg. Christian, 5 more minutes and then it’s bath time, deal? Treating him with respect and informing him of small things gives him the opportunity to cooperate and he generally does.
Also knowing his energy type has given me a much deeper understanding of his unique needs… there’s a great book on it by Carol Tuttle.
Great response Jo, keep up the good work
Hi Kerwin, totally agree with your insights. What I’d love to know is what advice you’d give to parents who have separated as I’m dealing with many who just don’t see that their negative behaviour towards each other speaks louder to their children than anything else. If children start behaving poorly as a result, parents surprisingly blame the other parent, not look at themselves see the poor role model they’ve become. If you’re up for a rant to parents to grow up and put their kids first after separation, please let me know! Cheers Wendy @ Divvito
Wendy, great question. Will submit for a possible #HeyKerwin question. Send me a message on Facebook if you need further info or material and the team will reach out!
Yes definitely being present with my son and being being so open and truthful as well as my son 5 now but I’m convinced children have a inbuilt bullshit energy detector in them as we all do
very possible!
Hi Kerwin,
I have read this post/thoughts/article a few months ago, but now have made a conscious decision to share.
As a FIFO Dad and separated, I have read over the comments again, and what you have said makes perfect sense.
My daughter is 4yrs old and she’s my world like Noah is for you. When she came in to my life my world changed, there are no right or wrong books and no amount of internet researching that you will find to be the best father you can be (trust me I have looked) but making a conscious decision to be present, so I did.
Before the separation my phone would be out social media would be present, TV, distractions and I have only just got home for 2weeks away (home for 10days)and marriage concerns took the focus away from my daughter, and in reflection we had started to break that connection we had.
Moving through and accepting where I am in life now and accepting self, now has allowed me refocus my attentions on what matter.
Being home for a limited time and shared custody is difficult but as you say, there are lessons in the pain One of the biggest ones for me is being present, when I have my daughter 100% of my focus is on her when I am home and we have the most amazing connection I though I had lost.
All she wants is time with dad, period.
As she gets older that might change when its not cool to hang out with dad, but for now she gets 110%
Even though my ex-wife and I are separated we are still a family, just a different dynamic.
Her mother is amazing and we are very amicable and work to schedule family things on changeover days which help show a united front to our daughter.
I made a conscious decision to let the negative energy go and could actually think clearly, and what I was missing.
The calmness, the presence and controlled emotions for me is a valuable parenting tool in my situation.
Amazing response Nathan really great to see you taking massive action for your child. good job
hello…
I just meet you casually while watching videos on facebook, and immediately I got intrigue and wanted to learn more from you.
while reading this article I got a bit shock when you said – ”we might be saying all the right things, but if we’re internally wrapped up in some level of anxiety or stress or there’s some emotional flux going on that’s being stimulated by something external to us, then they are going to pick up on that, and it’s going to affect them”-
and I question myself how can I learn to be calmer internally?
I always try to appear as calm as possible even though sometimes inside i’m running thru a thousand feelings including anxiety, sadness, etc.
It is any article that could help me?
Hey mate would highly recommend searching up more about meditation and consciousness. I find that it’s the things you do everyday consistently that bring calm overall that help out in those anxious or stressful times.
Really enjoying your parenting tips on regulating emotions! Thank Kerwin!