Jen: How do I let go emotionally from my narcissist husband? It’s paralysing my ability to move forward…
Jen, there are so many things wrong with this question.
If you’re positioning your husband as a narcissist, I guess you have to be asking yourself the question, why are you where you are in the first place?
I don’t want to dissemble your relationship but for you to ask how to separate yourself from your narcissist husband, it kind of screams that there’s a little bit of a connection there that is almost unhealthy and perhaps a bit dependent?
My advice is to engage is some form of f#cking counselling because it doesn’t sound very positive.
Who defined him as a narcissist? Is it your interpretation? Is it your label? Or is this a clinical analysis? And if it is a clinical analysis, then there’s a greater requirement for you guys to seek some higher levels of support and intervention.
The first thing you can do is start communicating openly and honestly in a neutral way, and sometimes it’s good to get a councilor or a mediator to help with that.
But first, if you really value your relationship, find a different way to label your husband. For f#cks sake – calling him a narcissist? What does that make you?
If your husband is important to you, if you genuinely love him, if a family unit is important to you – then my advice is to do something!
Because here’s the thing – most people don’t do anything about their fucking relationship going bad until it’s too late, most people don’t do anything about their f#cking health until it’s too late, most people don’t do anything about their business until it’s too late…you know, it’s not until their partner is walking out the door until someone suggests, ‘Oh maybe we should try and fix this’.
Well maybe you should have thought of that 12 months ago, or three years ago or whenever it was you started having problems in the first place.
But most people wait until it’s too late.
If there’s still something there, then do the work. And if you’ve tried all you can and it’s still not working then you need ask yourself a bigger question.
If it isn’t going to work, then what’s a good exit strategy?
There is no shame, and I say this hand over heart, in two people going their separate ways.
I went through my own separation early last year, and look it’s not a nice situation for anyone to be in, especially when there’s children involved, but there are ways we can navigate it in a healthy way.
Because I know from where I’m at now that relationships don’t have to end in a war zone.
Relationships, when ended well, can actually be more healthier than when they were together.
I just experienced the most incredible holiday with my ex-wife and son over Christmas. We had a ‘modern day’ family holiday. We all went back to Canada together to see the family which was amazing – and at the end of it Kristin said, “That’s the best holiday we’ve had in seven years”.
Now we’ve had our challenges throughout the separation, don’t get me wrong, but we realise that we are both just trying to do our best.
And the truth is we have a child together, and we have seven years invested together and I don’t want that to amount for nothing.
Now there are certain situations where there’s abuse or violence involved that make it impossible for the relationship to end in a healthy way but what I am saying is that if a relationship has to end, it doesn’t always have to be bad.
My advice to you Jen, is to get the help you both clearly need and drive on your side of the street.
The reason you are where you are isn’t because of your narcissist husband. It’s because of your thoughts, your stories and the way that you interpret, and process, and regulate your emotions and stress, and the behaviours that you engage in.
The reality is, if you want things to change, then you’re in control. If you want something to change, it starts with you.
Kerwin Rae
Snapchat: @KerwinRae
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Kerwin I absolutely love what you do! You are inspiring on so many levels! But you missed the mark on this one! I do understand your view on this woman’s question. You come from a place of sanity and rational thinking with your response. But have you ever found yourself in a relationship with a narcissist? It is manipulated insanity and always contains some form of abuse, many times it contains multiple forms of abuse. People who find themselves in this type of relationship do need to change their story, thoughts, and self-limiting behaviors. It is those very things that has made it so easy for the narcissist to manipulate you. Leaving a narcissist is not like leaving any other type of relationship, even a typical abusive relationship. This type of relationship is not one that can be fixed, because trust me the person with the narcissist has given all that they are in their attempts to fix the relationship. By the time they are ready to leave they are an empty soul who has nothing left to give. The one person that has caused them so much pain and anguish, is the same person they they want to take that pain away for them. They are suffering from Stockholm syndrome. I am sure that there are women out there who may label someone they are with as a narcissist. But those women who are truly with a narcissist don’t use that label lightly. No one wants to find themselves in love with a lie. And most narcissist never seek out therapy or help for someone to actually diagnose them as narcissistic. Becoming aware of the fast that you are in a relationship with a narcissist….It is life changing. It is an awakening. It is scary as fuck! So when they reach out for advice on how to leave and you tell them that it is their fault that they are where they are, you are reinforcing what the narcissist has been beating into them for years…it’s all your fault.
Sarah send me a message on Facebook and I’ll get the team to reach out regarding this issue
You are awesome at what you do kerwin..But Mr you have no idea what you are talking about or dealing when it comes to Narcissistic/
Sociopaths..
Your dealing with a very mentally distorted individual. I could go on but will take to long for you to even grasp a minute concept of these predators..Strongly recommend you do some more research on a topic you are obviously not life or professionally qualified to give advice on..not impressed on your response to the lady dealing with her Narcissistic husband..Might of been the only time she had the balls and courage to reach out to someone to find answers. you have no idea what circumstances she was under ..and your response and swearing was totally uncalled for..just hope it never happens to you..
Love and Light??
Stick to giving advice on what your good at.. Not what you obviously know nothing about.?
I completly agree sarah. It really can be hard for those to understand if they have not fully experienced themself. I have had to point it out to people in my life and it can take years for them to finally grasp the manipulation they are under. Its so hard for many people to beleive that such a person with NPD can exist amongt us. Some people often walk into a npd relathionship after being raised by a parent with the same personality disorder. Its extremely hard for these people because they were raised on manipulation.Never knowing how to trust their instincts. Having trouble knowing right from wrong.
I’m quite familiar with the narcissistic personality having gotten out of an extremely dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with one. I totally get where Kerwin is coming from. People have to take responsibility for what they get themselves into. No one held a gun to this woman’s head and forced her into a relationship with a crazy man. We choose to get into relationships with crazy people, or we attract them because we have not gotten clear inside ourselves – and we stay in these relationships because even though we know they are bad we don’t want to do the suffering required to get out of them! The point I think Kerwin is making is (at least my perception of his advise is) “either fix it or get out of it, but quit wallowing in it and take personal responsibility.” Is what he is saying hard? Of course. Anyone who has ever dealt with a narcissist knows what it does to your head and your self-worth. But sooner or later you either leave or die. I kind of think that is his point. She is only a victim if she chooses to continue being one.
Spot on Renee. It can be a really tough message to take but sometimes it’s the tough love message that gets through to people that you can determine your reality!