How do I let go from my narcissist husband?

Jen: How do I let go emotionally from my narcissist husband? It’s paralysing my ability to move forward…

Jen, there are so many things wrong with this question.

If you’re positioning your husband as a narcissist, I guess you have to be asking yourself the question, why are you where you are in the first place?

I don’t want to dissemble your relationship but for you to ask how to separate yourself from your narcissist husband, it kind of screams that there’s a little bit of a connection there that is almost unhealthy and perhaps a bit dependent?

My advice is to engage is some form of f#cking counselling because it doesn’t sound very positive.

Who defined him as a narcissist? Is it your interpretation? Is it your label? Or is this a clinical analysis? And if it is a clinical analysis, then there’s a greater requirement for you guys to seek some higher levels of support and intervention.

The first thing you can do is start communicating openly and honestly in a neutral way, and sometimes it’s good to get a councilor or a mediator to help with that.

But first, if you really value your relationship, find a different way to label your husband. For f#cks sake – calling him a narcissist? What does that make you?

If your husband is important to you, if you genuinely love him, if a family unit is important to you – then my advice is to do something!

Because here’s the thing – most people don’t do anything about their fucking relationship going bad until it’s too late, most people don’t do anything about their f#cking health until it’s too late, most people don’t do anything about their business until it’s too late…you know, it’s not until their partner is walking out the door until someone suggests, ‘Oh maybe we should try and fix this’.

Well maybe you should have thought of that 12 months ago, or three years ago or whenever it was you started having problems in the first place.

But most people wait until it’s too late.

If there’s still something there, then do the work. And if you’ve tried all you can and it’s still not working then you need ask yourself a bigger question.

If it isn’t going to work, then what’s a good exit strategy?

There is no shame, and I say this hand over heart, in two people going their separate ways.

I went through my own separation early last year, and look it’s not a nice situation for anyone to be in, especially when there’s children involved, but there are ways we can navigate it in a healthy way.

Because I know from where I’m at now that relationships don’t have to end in a war zone.

Relationships, when ended well, can actually be more healthier than when they were together.

I just experienced the most incredible holiday with my ex-wife and son over Christmas. We had a ‘modern day’ family holiday. We all went back to Canada together to see the family which was amazing – and at the end of it Kristin said, “That’s the best holiday we’ve had in seven years”.

Now we’ve had our challenges throughout the separation, don’t get me wrong, but we realise that we are both just trying to do our best.

And the truth is we have a child together, and we have seven years invested together and I don’t want that to amount for nothing.

Now there are certain situations where there’s abuse or violence involved that make it impossible for the relationship to end in a healthy way but what I am saying is that if a relationship has to end, it doesn’t always have to be bad.

My advice to you Jen, is to get the help you both clearly need and drive on your side of the street.

The reason you are where you are isn’t because of your narcissist husband. It’s because of your thoughts, your stories and the way that you interpret, and process, and regulate your emotions and stress, and the behaviours that you engage in.

The reality is, if you want things to change, then you’re in control. If you want something to change, it starts with you.

Kerwin Rae